A letter to my daughter
Miranda Mast
Welcome to the world sweet Elliott! You were born on March 10th, 2020, the day that Governor Jared Polis declared a state of emergency in Colorado due to the rising concern of COVID-19. When you were 15 days old, the state of Colorado went into lockdown with the “stay at home orders”.
When I imagined you coming into the world, I imagined that you would be welcomed with the sweet embrace of your family and friends. Having those precious moments with your grandparents, aunts and uncles getting to know you, smell that new baby smell and hear your coos. We were lucky, and the day you were born we could have visitors. Your grandparents held you, their first grandchild, with tears streaming down their eyes. Dad and I were so in love. I now had a new role, mom. I eagerly waited for this moment. A culmination of what I had dreamt of for our family and my years as an early interventionist. I could not have prepared better for this moment.
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We noticed things begin to shift during our first night in the hospital. We heard from the nurses that protocols will be put in place. They shared that they were low on supplies because they ordered their pump parts from China and that we would not be able to pump during our stay. On the second night of your life, Dad and I watched the Nuggets play the Mavericks when we heard the news that the league was suspending game play at the end of the game due to COVID-19. We sat in shock, suddenly realizing that COVID-19 was going to impact us more than we had originally thought.
On our way home from the hospital, we stopped at Costco to grab a few essentials. I stayed in the car, staring down at you, our first moment truly alone. I was already an anxious new mom, not knowing how in the world I was going to keep this tiny human safe and when I looked around, I could feel the energy of the Costco parking lot shift, it was tense and hurried. I checked my email as we waited, the hospital sent out a memo to all labor and delivery patients, their new policies rolled out, one support person throughout your stay and no visitors allowed.
I wondered how the new policies would affect pregnant women and new parents. I wondered what policies would be put in place to protect this population that is entering into an unknown world of parenthood. I wondered what COVID-19 would mean for us, a new family of three. These wonderings allowed me to reflect on being a leader in early childhood. I realized that when times are scary or new, we often look towards leaders to make decisions and have a plan. I realized that no matter how you prepare or what background you may have, nothing could prepare leaders for this new and unchartered territory of a global pandemic. What does matter is how we show up. It is important to feel emotions and show up as our authentic selves. This is what I learned during my year in the Buell Early Childhood Leadership Program and was deepening for me during the earliest days of being a mother.
The first couple of weeks of your life as a parent are a blur. I am sure like every other new parent. I was sleep deprived, confused and Dad and I were hanging onto each one of your sounds, facial expressions and movements trying to figure you out. I held you tight as I cried because I was so tired, and I loved you so much. I cried because I didn’t know what you wanted and because you held my finger. I cried because you kept waking up every hour one night and because I have never heard anything more beautiful than your breath in my ear as you nestled into my neck. The first two weeks were bliss.
Then the effects of COVID-19 and being a first time parent began to sink in and I was ready for support. Due to the stay at home order and our overall concern for your health, that physical support couldn’t happen. I cried because we were alone. I cried because I was exhausted. I cried because I wanted you to feel the love of your family. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I wondered how the new policies would affect pregnant women and new parents. I wondered what policies would be put in place to protect this population that is entering into an unknown world of parenthood. I wondered what COVID-19 would mean for us, a new family of three. These wonderings allowed me to reflect on being a leader in early childhood. I realized that when times are scary or new, we often look towards leaders to make decisions and have a plan. I realized that no matter how you prepare or what background you may have, nothing could prepare leaders for this new and unchartered territory of a global pandemic. What does matter is how we show up. It is important to feel emotions and show up as our authentic selves. This is what I learned during my year in the Buell Early Childhood Leadership Program and was deepening for me during the earliest days of being a mother.
The first couple of weeks of your life as a parent are a blur. I am sure like every other new parent. I was sleep deprived, confused and Dad and I were hanging onto each one of your sounds, facial expressions and movements trying to figure you out. I held you tight as I cried because I was so tired, and I loved you so much. I cried because I didn’t know what you wanted and because you held my finger. I cried because you kept waking up every hour one night and because I have never heard anything more beautiful than your breath in my ear as you nestled into my neck. The first two weeks were bliss.
Then the effects of COVID-19 and being a first time parent began to sink in and I was ready for support. Due to the stay at home order and our overall concern for your health, that physical support couldn’t happen. I cried because we were alone. I cried because I was exhausted. I cried because I wanted you to feel the love of your family. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
When I noticed myself feeling these new lows, I realized that as a leader of my family and my community that I needed to reach out for support. Oftentimes, in early childhood, we care for others so deeply that we put our own mental health and wellbeing on the back burner. Being a first-time parent is life changing and in the best of circumstances challenging. Being a first-time parent during a global pandemic presents new challenges and new lows.
When we as leaders take care of ourselves, we will have a better chance supporting those around us. If we ignore our needs, we won’t be able to sustain our energy in our communities. Needing support doesn’t mean that we are weak. As early childhood leaders, our true strength shines when we are able to rely on others for support. I joined a perinatal support group and there I saw leaders in each one of those expecting and new mothers. They showed me that we can lead from any chair anywhere. Their leadership gave me strength and restored my energy. |
I allowed myself to see the possibilities. That is the key to change and the key to leadership. We can look at the world as a place to make the impossible possible while also being kind to ourselves during that journey.
When I took care of myself and relied on other strong individuals, I realized that I had enough in me to show up to be exactly the mom you needed Elliott. I began to reframe my thinking. No longer was I saying, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this” or “this isn’t fair”. Instead, I decided that I would never paint our picture in any other way. It was hard, lonely and isolating. It was also liberating and allowed our time for our tiny family of three to bond. It allowed me to support and be supported by other mothers. It showed me the true meaning to lead from any seat.
When I took care of myself and relied on other strong individuals, I realized that I had enough in me to show up to be exactly the mom you needed Elliott. I began to reframe my thinking. No longer was I saying, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this” or “this isn’t fair”. Instead, I decided that I would never paint our picture in any other way. It was hard, lonely and isolating. It was also liberating and allowed our time for our tiny family of three to bond. It allowed me to support and be supported by other mothers. It showed me the true meaning to lead from any seat.
I also was able to practice another tenant of leadership, the ability to suspend. The ability to feel instead of anxiously analyzing. We slowed down, stayed inside, counted the minutes by how many kisses we gave you or how many times you smiled at us. That smile made everything melt away. We stared into your eyes, imagining the world of possibilities before you. You are meant to do great things. You are meant to see great things. We enjoyed the moments and soaked up the positivity.
I hope you can feel the love we have for you sweet Elliott. I hope the energy and the safety that our love gave you far outweighs the uncertainty that we felt during your first two months of life. I hope you feel peace and calm. I hope you will see the value of self care. I hope you know that you don’t always have to be strong and when you need to fall, I hope you have a strong community that will catch you. We will continue to be present and we will stay right where we are counting your fingers, hearing your soft giggles and feeling your breath as you nestle into our necks.
Love, Mom |