Embracing the Discomfort and Being Courageous about the Unknown
Michele Ebendick
Reflecting on my year of learning in the Buell Early Childhood Leadership Program (BECLP) I find these words popping around in my head like popcorn on a hot burner. Words that not only represent who I have become over the past year, but also what I have gained during my experience. The incredible gift of furthering my education, while gaining knowledge, experience and friendships has been an incredibly rewarding experience. It wasn’t always easy. And I certainly didn't fully understand what I was learning early on. Now, however, I see the full picture, I see where we were going and the steps we took together to get there. Individually, I see the bravery within myself as I was welcomed into the 12th Cohort in April 2019 when, with excitement and nervousness, I accepted the opportunity.
What is bravery?
I’ve wondered. Some would consider it jumping off a cliff or skydiving, and I am certainly not brave if that is the definition. I personally define bravery as embracing the discomfort and being courageous about the unknown. Enrolling in BECLP forced me to be brave from day one. My priorities were being a mother to a toddler, a wife, a full time employee, and a student wanting to continue my education. I had a lot on my plate, but I also had a desire to be brave and continue my path of learning. I didn’t know if I could balance it all when I accepted the opportunity, but I decided it was what I needed and desired.
My friends, family and colleagues think I am “going to school for leadership”, but for me being immersed in the BECLP experience is like nothing I have ever experienced before and will likely never experience again. BECLP isn’t just an academic leadership program. It is a transformational experience that allowed me to find out more of who I am and even who I am not. I faced some fears, better understood my white privilege, and experienced my potential to learn and grow. My priorities did not change, but what did change is the person I have become and the way I viewed the world through a lens of equity. BECLP allowed me to pause, to be present and discover the person within that had the potential to lead across my community.
My friends, family and colleagues think I am “going to school for leadership”, but for me being immersed in the BECLP experience is like nothing I have ever experienced before and will likely never experience again. BECLP isn’t just an academic leadership program. It is a transformational experience that allowed me to find out more of who I am and even who I am not. I faced some fears, better understood my white privilege, and experienced my potential to learn and grow. My priorities did not change, but what did change is the person I have become and the way I viewed the world through a lens of equity. BECLP allowed me to pause, to be present and discover the person within that had the potential to lead across my community.
Where bravery begins, shifting my focus to equity
I vividly remember sitting in my BECLP interview and being asked “If there were endless amounts of money and resources what is one thing you would change?” I responded with something like “I would ensure that all children who speak a language other than English have equal opportunity to early intervention evaluation and services through the use of community navigators who are culturally and linguistically matched to the family and can support them through the entire process from referral to services to ensure all children have opportunities to thrive”.
Would I still do this if I had unlimited resources and funding? Of course I would, and in ways I still am doing this work, but without the unlimited resources! Thinking back to my interview, what I didn't realize was that I was speaking to a language justice issue, and I didn't have the words or equity lens to apply to this scenario. Summer 2019 was a pivotal moment for me to question, wonder and begin to see how unjust our world is. I knew moving forward, if I wanted to impact the unjust world we live in, I was going to have to step out of my comfort zone and bravely start recognizing opportunities to address inequities.
Change careers and perspectives
There was a shift within the end of the first semester when I realized I wanted change and needed to start creating my own change first within before I could create change with others in my community. The change I found myself in was a new career within Public Health. The position is deeply embedded in early childhood but with public health as the emphasis. I wondered, would I succeed in the position? Would I be able to make up for the lack of formal public health training in other ways? Can I live with the discomfort of not having all the answers? Again bravery was necessary for me as I questioned if changing jobs was right. In the end it was one of the best choices I could have made for continued growth. Within the first month I was introduced to a public health framework to reduce health equity that helped me piece together what equity could look like within large systems. It quickly made me realize that to reduce inequities one must work across the bioecological framework.
When I made my shift to public health I was still not fully clear what leadership was. Despite reading various leadership theories all summer long, I still had this idea that leadership was hierarchical. I had always thought of the leader at the top of the organizational chart as the individual having the power and making all the decisions. It wasn't until the fall semester that I began to find the leader within myself, realizing that I hold a position anywhere in an organizational chart and still be able to make equitable change in my community. Learning about appreciative leadership inspired me to start to piece together my do-er attitude with the relational aspects of leading. It wasn’t about what I could or couldn't do, it was about how I approached the situation and people to collectively work towards a greater good.
March 2020, when our lives were changed forever
Our March 6th and 7th in person classes were filled with wonder about Covid-19 as just the day before Colorado had its first laboratory tested positive case. No one ever thought that would be the last in person class we would all have together as the 12th cohort. And now we find ourselves leading within, with others and across during a pandemic. Something that none of us ever wanted to happen. Here I am, better equipped to support and lead during this dynamic, devastating and difficult time.
The following Monday I found myself working from home, and once again checking my priorities. My toddler no longer had childcare, and both my husband and I were facing a lot of uncertainty and yet an immense amount of privilege. It was difficult to sort the worry from privilege as I felt like I had no control and yet so many things were going to be okay because we both still had jobs, our son was home with us and we had protective factors in place.
That same week, I had a Zoom check-in with my supervisor and I mentioned that our agency website was not inclusive of early childhood, and our resources were lacking compared to what we were offering the K-12 community. She asked me, “Do you want to bark up the tree, or let it go during this hectic time?” I decided to bark up the tree and within days our website was updated and we created an internal Child Care Task Force that is co-led by myself and a colleague. In addition we convened early childhood councils and child care licensing in our three county region on a weekly basis to ensure all three counties in our jurisdiction were receiving the same resources, messaging and understanding of what one another was doing to support early childhood programs and the young children they serve during the pandemic.
While living through an international health crisis my own leadership theory was coming together even more. I learned that as a leader I don’t have to be at the top of the organization chart for others to see me as a leader. I don’t even have to fit a mold or text book leadership theory definition. I can be my own definition, and continue to speak up with appreciation and bravery. I can't worry about what others are going to think, instead I need to bark up the tree with gratitude and wonder so that I can better understand what is being done or can be done. If, as leaders, we don’t inquire we will never be able to illuminate opportunities for change.
The following Monday I found myself working from home, and once again checking my priorities. My toddler no longer had childcare, and both my husband and I were facing a lot of uncertainty and yet an immense amount of privilege. It was difficult to sort the worry from privilege as I felt like I had no control and yet so many things were going to be okay because we both still had jobs, our son was home with us and we had protective factors in place.
That same week, I had a Zoom check-in with my supervisor and I mentioned that our agency website was not inclusive of early childhood, and our resources were lacking compared to what we were offering the K-12 community. She asked me, “Do you want to bark up the tree, or let it go during this hectic time?” I decided to bark up the tree and within days our website was updated and we created an internal Child Care Task Force that is co-led by myself and a colleague. In addition we convened early childhood councils and child care licensing in our three county region on a weekly basis to ensure all three counties in our jurisdiction were receiving the same resources, messaging and understanding of what one another was doing to support early childhood programs and the young children they serve during the pandemic.
While living through an international health crisis my own leadership theory was coming together even more. I learned that as a leader I don’t have to be at the top of the organization chart for others to see me as a leader. I don’t even have to fit a mold or text book leadership theory definition. I can be my own definition, and continue to speak up with appreciation and bravery. I can't worry about what others are going to think, instead I need to bark up the tree with gratitude and wonder so that I can better understand what is being done or can be done. If, as leaders, we don’t inquire we will never be able to illuminate opportunities for change.
Is it the end?
It isn't until it's almost over that I realize how much I gained, learned, explored, shared, and experienced as a result of individuals having faith in my ability to carry out the BECLP vision. I reflect on the past year and realize it isn't over, it's just the beginning of endless opportunities and trees to bravely bark up.
And I wonder...what tree will you bark up next? What would it look like to bark with a lens of appreciation and equity? |